Retro Spring by Armina Designs and A+ Designs
Snow bound Alpha by Golden Girls

Journaling:

This stinks. After 22 years {today} you’d think this would have gotten better. But it hasn’t. You’re still gone. You’re not here with us. You missed it when I ran my bike into a car. You were not there for Nanny’s funeral. You were not there for when I went to junior high. You didn’t get to go to all my band concerts. You didn’t get to see me graduate. You didn’t get to encourage me in college or when I got married. You didn’t get to tell me that you approved of what I was doing. You weren’t around when I had Libertie. You don’t get to snuggle her and love on her. I know that she’d love you to bits. You were not there for when I had Aiden and all the awesomeness that a boy brings to this family full of girls. You don’t get to laugh at all my stressful mom moments like mom gets to. And it’s just not fair!!!! You were taken too soon. I feel like you were ripped away before I even got to know who you were or what you liked. And for years I spent time just talking to you, because I didn’t understand, and now I just cry. And I know that where you are is somewhere without pain. But it just sucks for the rest of us! I want you here. I want to be able to call you and to talk. I know that we would have been great friends, because you and mom were great friends. I want you to be able to snuggle my babies and give Dave a hard time. I want mom to have not felt lost after you died. I didn’t want the family to fall apart, and although now that the years have passed and things happened we’ve finally gotten back in touch with everyone, but it is not the same. It never will be. You’re not here. You’re still gone. You still don’t get to participate. We don’t get to hear all your jokes or your laugh. I don’t get to have hugs. We can’t have a movie night with you when we buy Dumbo, because you’re gone. I just feel like things could be so different if you were still here. Things that I don’t necessarily hate or regret, but they’d be different. And I know that God has got it all under control, and I know that you’re with Him. But it doesn’t take the sting out of it. It doesn’t make it go away. It just makes it bearable. It has made it okay to cry. It has made it okay to wonder. It has made it okay to talk to Aiden, Libertie and Dave about. But it still isn’t easy. And it still isn’t pleasant, and I still miss you Grandma. I miss all the times we coulda, woulda, shoulda had. And I think that’s what makes it so hard. I know that you watch over us. I know that you are happy and healthy. And I know that you love us as much, or more than we love you. And that’s what gets me by. Journaled on May 12th, 2010