Starting Over


Neill was not breastfed as a baby.

Back then, who knows how much I could have pocketed if I got a penny
everytime somebody gave me a you're-not-trying-hard-enough look.

My breast milk didn't come when Neill was born and for the whole first week
we pretty much starved him because I was so determined to breastfeed.
We really didn't have anything else prepared in case I couldn't do it.
I had read so much about the advantages of breastfeeding
and wouldn't give my son anything but the best.

Well, turned out I couldn't give him that.
I extended the hospital stay but in the end even the doctors and nurses gave up
(without really saying so) and suggested that he should be given full-on formula.
I couldn't even describe how much it hurt.

I know it's nobody's fault and it couldn't be helped. But sometimes I want to scream,
'Enough with the look and don't try to make me feel less of a mother because of it!'

I would have given anything though, to go back and start over with all the breastfeeding struggles.
But it just can't be done. That day when I gave Neill his first full bottle, I felt defeated.
Then I realised that I was holding on to my ego instead of his needs.

That day, we started over together.
I learned that being a mother doesn't only mean pushing for the best, but also accepting the truth.
And I hope Neill learned that eventhough it might not always work out in the end,
I'd fight tooth and nail to give him the best I possibly can every single time.


Credits:
Studio Doodelle's kit 'Anew'

Inspired by a blog post by MommaTrish