Everything from One True Thing by Kelley Mickus
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The journaling is a whole lot of angst, but if you want to read it.. here it is!

Dear Benjamin,

Have you figured it out yet? Have you realized that I am not mad at you? Honestly, how could you possibly think that I could be mad at you for this long? You know, better than anyone, that it is totally and completely impossible for me to stay mad at you. I guess what I am really asking is... have you realized just how much you hurt me? Because if I was actually mad at you, the reason behind my anger would be the same as the reason behind me not talking to you. Funny thing is, even as I ask, I know that the answer is no. Which is a little bit baffling to me, because sometimes you know me better than I know myself. But this time, you have no idea. You have absolutely no idea how hard I work to be immune to your charm, to keep myself from laughing at your jokes or smiling at your actions. You have absolutely no idea how ridiculously much I miss you. But most of all, you have absolutely no idea that the reason I avoid talking to you is because it /hurts/ to be around you. Because as much as I miss you, I cannot handle being around you and acting like everything is normal between the two of us when it isn't. More importantly, as long as I miss you this much, it is clear that I am not over you. And until I am, being around you will just make it harder for me to get over you.

The thing is, I'm still trying to accept that you are not the person I thought/think you are. Because if there is one thing these past months have shown me it is that Thomas is right. I am not in love with you. I am in love with an idealized version of you. I'm in love with the boy who was always making me smile, in both exasperation and sheer happiness. I'm in love with the boy who I thought was absolutely brilliant and so very talented. I'm in love with the boy who took me driving in his convertible to take my mind off of the work that was stressing me out. I'm in love with the boy who forced me to learn to drive manual, who was also surprisingly patient despite my mistakes. I'm in love with the boy who sat there and waited while I finished my homework so he could spend time with me. I'm in love with the boy who carried me when my feet hurt, despite disclaimers made earlier in the night that he would not. I'm in love with the boy who wrapped me in his arms and told me about his day, his family, his childhood. I'm in love with the boy who called me peluche. I'm in love with the boy made of all your best characteristics and none of your flaws. Most of all, I'm in love with the boy I thought loved me back.

I had myself so convinced that you are this boy that I forgot or pushed aside all the reasons I have to dislike you, all the evidence I had that showed me that perhaps you never did love me back. There were the constant insults, which made me laugh 90% of the time, but also stung almost as often. The ones that made me believe you genuinely think that I am bad at, oh I don't know... /everything/. You made fun of my cooking, my driving, my ethnicity, and my lack of athleticism. But more importantly, there were the biting remarks you made about my intelligence, my integrity, my personality. And all of this was compounded by the fact that sometimes you acted like you were ashamed of me. You would drop my hand when we were around people that you knew. You were fine making out with me in situations where it would seem like we were merely hooking up for the night, but god forbid people see you acting like we were in a real relationship. And then there are the things that I'm only realizing now. Like the fact that you video chat with Isabelle all the time while I practically had to beg you to video chat with me over the summer. Or that damn LED heart you are making for her for Valentine's Day. I can't help but think that if none of this had happened... if we were still "together" on Valentine's Day, it would have passed by without any fanfare. Without any elaborate gift that you spent hours on and without any fancy dinner at an expensive restaurant with both of us in dressy clothes. Funnily enough, if you take away the weekend in Chicago, we went on more dates when we were friends than when we were together. And god, this is getting so angry and /bitter/, which is not what I wanted.

I don't regret it, you know. Oh, I still believe I had every reason to be so indecisive. Because, really, it was kind of a lose-lose situation for me. Those months when we were... together, for lack of a better word, I was really ridiculously happy. Yes, there were the fights and the insults. But for the most part, I was just with you. And it was enough. I didn't need the dates and grand gestures and thoughtful gifts because I had you. It never occurred to me to want them then, though now I think I was being a fool. Yet, for every moment that I was happy, I got even more attached. Which is what is making things so damn difficult now, making it so hard for me to let go of you. But I don't regret it. Because one of my few regrets is the what ifs that will always be associated with Kyle in my mind. And I would have had even more with you, if I had chosen differently. The only thing I wish is that I could have seen more clearly. I wish that I hadn't convinced myself that you loved me too.

It's true that I am upset and hurt. And sometimes, there are some things that you say or do that make me absolutely furious. As always, however, the anger never lasts as long as I wish it would. Because when it comes down to it, I can't blame you for everything. You /did/ make it clear that we weren't in a real relationship. Now that I'm seeing how you are with Isabelle, that's very very clear. I wonder if you knew how unclear I was on the subject two months ago though, if you knew how much I was lying to myself. I don't know what you could have done then to convince me otherwise, however. I was too wrapped up in you, too damn happy to even consider thinking logically if it would change the way things were. It's not like you never tried to push me away. I just wouldn't let you. And yet, I still cannot forgive you for your actions, especially because you think you did nothing wrong. While I will not blame everything on you, or even the majority as my friends would, I also will not accept all of the blame. You knew very well how I felt about you, and in many ways, you used that to your advantage. Most of all, however, I cannot forgive you for forgetting about me so quickly when I cannot forget about you.

Despite everything I have written here, I cannot let go and see you for who you really are... someone who is by no means as perfect and sweet and amazing as my heart thinks you are, but also someone who is not nearly as terrible and immoral and selfish as other people would have me believe. A boy who has way more faults than he thinks he does, but is still wonderfully, exasperatingly charming. A boy who somehow manages to make people adore him, even as he annoys them. A boy who was one of my best friends and quite possibly my favorite person to be around, even before I started falling for you. I hope that I will eventually be able to see you as that boy again. Because if I am being honest with myself and setting aside the fantasies that I can't help but dreaming, I think that it is the only way you can be a part of my life. Or perhaps, maybe, even the only way I can be a part of your life. And, more than anything, I hope that will happen. Because the thought of no longer having you in my life... I won't pretend that that does not scare me more than anything else has in a long time. Especially since I'm getting a taste of that now, and all I have to say is I /don't/ like it. I hate that I genuinely have no idea what is going on in your life anymore. I hate that the things I do know are picked up from other people, like Thomas or Greg. So, hopefully, I will be able to put aside the hurt, the sense of betrayal, before you lose patience and think that I want nothing to do with you. Although, I have to say, if you do, maybe this friendship isn't worth fighting for. Because if you are only willing to give me a few rides to Solar Car and make a few jokes, then you clearly don't care nearly as much about this friendship as I do.

In writing this, I have discovered several things. For one, I'm a complete mess and still don't truly know how I feel about everything. The most important, however, is that I am still not ready to let you go. I am still making decisions solely on whether or not they will lead me to you. And I think that as long as I am doing that, I need to deliberately choose to do the opposite of what I want, and stay away. So for now, despite the fact that I miss you so much it hurts or perhaps /because/ I do, I am actually going to stay away from you. No more walking to Solar Car so you will offer me a ride back. No more waiting around in front of my class, simply so I will get a glimpse of you on your way out of your class. No more hanging out with Thomas in the living room instead of his room, so I will be able to see you. If I stop doing all of this... Maybe I will finally be able to let go. Maybe I will be able to stop wanting you so damn much. Because, like in Katharine McPhee's song... "Wanting you to be wanting me, no that ain't no way to be." And it isn't. But it's the only way I know how to be right now.