Journaling reads:
I started bleeding on Monday night. I was three months pregnant. Although my husband tried to reassure me, no one can calm the fear of a mother to be. This never happened in my first pregnancy, it just can’t be normal. I stayed home from work on Tuesday, sure I could get an appointment and be seen, but “It’s not an emergency”, they said. “There’s nothing that can be done if you are miscarrying so come on Wednesday for your regularly scheduled appointment. Three months is too early to intervene.” I know that. Of course I know that. I know too much because I read too much and I know that although technically there are dozens of things that can cause bleeding during pregnancy, this wasn’t right. How can I wait until tomorrow, just bleeding and not knowing? How can that be? That afternoon I had to take my elderly father in law to the emergency room. He lives with us and has perpetually bad health. I had to spend three hours in the emergency room for someone else, without any answers for myself. When Wednesday came, we went to my regularly scheduled appointment. It was supposed to be our first ultrasound, our first time hearing the heartbeat. I think every mother’s worst fear is an ultrasound that reveals something is fatally wrong with your baby. My nurse was so kind and so helpful, but the loss could not be contained in that tiny room. I had asked to be alone in case the news was bad, because I didn’t want my son to see me upset in a doctor’s office and become afraid. He is only two and a half. I could not take any comfort in my son or my husband because my father in laws condition rapidly worsened and he died yesterday of complete organ failure. I know it is possible for one family to experience all of this at once and survive, but how? I also developed a cold and fever so I could not spend time with my son or even think about what had happened to us. I am waiting to feel better physically so I can grieve and continue my life. I am a wife and a mother and a teacher, people need me. But during this time of tragedy the empty space in my womb has been the least of anyone’s worries, except mine. I want to heal, so I can allow myself to hope again. November 1, 2009




I am so grateful to be a part of this community where my story can live and be accepted.

Credits:
Anticipation Kit: Syndee Nuckles
Itty Bitty Kit and Alpha: Erica Zane and Britt-ish Designs
Autumn Fresh Kit: JenLin Designs
(recoloring to all items except alpha)