Ok – putting everything on the table here.. Being a brave girl and letting it all go.

My baby will be 11 months old next week, and I’m still wearing maternity pants (and some of them are a bit on the small side).  We had family photos last August, and seeing myself in them was kind of disconcerting – you know, the whole “I knew I had some weight to lose, but I didn’t realize it was that much!”  I know I’m not alone here, and I’m also fully aware that in the large scope of things, my weight’s not that awful – I’ve just barely tipped to the “overweight” portion of the BMI scale, and it’s not hard to find cute clothes in my actual size – as opposed to the size I’m still trying to squeeze into 11 months later.

I know weight and dress size is a largely personal issue for many people, and that we all have our own standards of what’s acceptable for us individually, as well as what our ideal is.  Growing up, I was always the leggy blonde people always thought should model, the one who people joked that if I turned sideways you couldn’t see me (didn’t help that I’ve never had much of a chest).  But even then, I was never happy – scratch that – by the time I was in high school and first started paying attention to those things, I never made the choice to be happy with my figure – ironically, I’d give anything to have that body back!  LOL..

So this past month, I decided to change all that – in several ways.  I started actually doing something to lose the weight.  I’m a stress eater, as well as an “I’m bored, so I’m going to have a snack even though I’m not hungry” eater.  But I didn’t realize this until I started paying attention to what I was eating.  I’m using My Fitness Pal to help track my calories, and I’m participating in a couple games on DietBet for a little extra motivation – I’m competitive that way..   I’ve lost 4-7 lbs in the last three weeks, depending on when I weigh myself (and how naughty I was the day before), and I’m really proud of that.  I know I could do better – I’m still trying to fit exercise into my daily schedule, which I’m hoping will speed things up a bit.  We’ve also got a great forum here at SM to help members cheer each other on.  It’s a private forum so we all feel “safe” posting about these personal issues, so if you’d like access, please just email or PM me (user name: sm_amber) and I’ll get you in. 

In addition to the lifestyle changes I’m making, I working on making a psychological change, too – which is the most important part.  Every time I’ve planned on losing weight, I’ve been one of those girls who always put off buying new clothes “until I’m skinny again.”  Suffice it to say, I’ve been living in over-sized t-shirts, sweatshirts, pajama pants and that one pair of maternity jeans that still fits for quite some time.  Back before I quit my job in December, I’d keep my coat on at work to hide the muffin top or the button on the pants that wasn’t fastened because none of my professional clothes fit.  This time, though, I’ve put things into perspective.  I’ve got almost 50 pounds to lose, and let’s be real – it’s not coming off tomorrow.  It will be well into summer before I’m at my goal weight at the rate I’m going, and I refuse to live another six months as a prisoner to my own insecurities.  So what if I’m used to being a size 6 or a size 8?  I’m not anymore, and I need to own that 10 or 12 size tag.  I spent some of my Christmas money on a new size large cardigan, and you know what?  Wearing clothes that actually fit makes you look a whole lot better – no matter what size you are!  Our clothing budget isn’t huge, but I’ve decided it’s okay for me to spend some of that money to look good – because when you look good, you feel good.  So what did I do?  This past week I went out and bought two pairs (buy one get one half off!) of size 11/12 non-name-brand jeans.  They’re not the best quality or the height of fashion, but they’re better than what I was wearing, and hopefully I won’t be wearing them too terribly long anyway..

In the meantime, I’m going to work on embracing and loving the body that I do have.  It may not be what I want it to be, but it’s what I’ve made of it, and I have the power to change it.  Right here, though, right now – this is ME.  And I love me!  (or at least I’m trying…)